Categories
Former Pupils Humour Young Musicians

The Flamingos Of Chaos

I used to teach a band of crazy 10 year olds called Exploding Penguins.

Today I found some old sheets with the (very long) shortlist of rejected names. Here’s a few of my favourites. Think of it as a window into a 10 year old mind.

Flaming Thunder
Exploding Hummus
Talk To The Hand Cos The Face Ain’t Bothered
Banana Plunderers
The Viscous Potatoes
Kacey And The Braindead Doofuses
The Flamingos Of Chaos
Tunnels Of Hell
The Best Band In The World

There’s some helpful advice on naming your band here

Categories
Humour

What Do Volcanoes Taste Like?

Another week of weird and wonderful things that pour out of ten year old heads.

One pupil has just discovered Aerosmith and was sharing the good news with his buddies. How would you describe them? Like this

Kid A: You know Aragorn? In Lord Of The Rings? You know the elf woman he fancies? Well her dad is the singer in Aerosmith!

Kid B: Lord Elrond is the singer in Aerosmith!?!?!?!

He went on to describe Steven Tyler as “Elvis made completely of scarves”.

In another school things got wildly off course and onto roosters – defined as “a male chicken”. Kid C replies:

“Chickens don’t have genders”

This was rapidly followed up, apropos nothing, with “Volcanoes taste like wood.” My attempts to restore order (and sanity) were met with a classic 10-year old diss

“Matt, you got your life from a happy meal”

Categories
A Blog's Life Humour Testimonials

Kick Ass Christmas

“Matt, listen to me. I kick ass at Silent Night”

– 9 yr old pupil.

Categories
FAWM Humour Lists

Music/Film Mashup Titles

Here’s the best of a thread I started on FAWM. This is the work of many fawmers (those I could remember name checked at the end…)

Bill And Ted’s Bogus Journey Tribute Band
System Of A Downton Abbey
Kill Bill Withers
Pacific Rimshot
Beastie Boyhood
Ghost Busta Rhymes
What About Bob Seger (And The Silver Bullet Band)?
Mocking Jay-Z (Part 1)
My Week With Marilyn Manson
Things To Do In John Denver When You’re Dead

Let The Right One Direction In
Dial Eminem For Murder
The Big Le Bow Wow Wowski
Scent Of A Womack
The Lana Del Ray That Time Forgot
The Glass Nicky Minajery
A Kraftwerk Orange
The Ozzy Osborne Identity
Three Men In A Bo Diddley
The Man Who Would BB King

Arianna Grande Budapest Hotel
How I Met Your Mother Love Bone
Dirty Daniel O’ Donnell
Romancing The Stone Temple Pilots
Tupac To The Future
The Man With The Goldfrapp Gun
Inglorious Busteds
Grandmaster Fast & The Furious Five
U2 Only Live Twice
Flash Gordon Giltrap

Mr And Mrs Mark E Smith
A Human League Of Their Own
Full Metallica Jacket
Robyn Thicke: Prince Of Thieves
Har Mar Superstar Wars 7: The Dragonforce Awakens
Average White Band Of Brothers
A Million Ways To Diana Ross In The Kanye West
Jackson Pollock 5
Deep Blue Cee-Lo Green

Free Willy Nelson
12 Years An Audioslave
American Sniper At The Gates Of Dawn
Saving Private Ryan Adams
Annie Hall And Oates
Snakes On A Jefferson Airplane
Bob Marley And Me
Burt Bacharachnophobia
Jurassic Van Dyke Parks (And Recreation)

The Seven Year Itchycoo Park
Supersize Meatloaf
Bass/Off
The Beatle My Heart Skipped
Hannah And Her Twisted Sister
Beck To The Future
Nickelback Mountain
Win A Date With George Hamilton IV!
Everything You Always Wanted To Know About The Sex Pistols But Were Afraid To Ask
I Know What You Did Last Gordon Sumner

Into The Woody Guthrie
Pedro The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe
Five Weezer Pieces
Tarzan And Jane’s Addiction
The Guns Of Dave Navarro
Smokey Robinson And The Miracles On 34th Street
Dave Grohllerball
Green Miley Cyrus
Bourne This Way
Elvis Costello Meets The Mummy

Driving Miss Daisy Chainsaw
The Avengers Sevenfold
Green Day Of The Dead
Blue Velvet Underground
Once Upon A Time In The Westlife
The Take That Of Pelham 123
Coltranespotting
Tropic Thunderclap Newman
Evil Dead Kennedys
Dastardly And Motley Crüe

Meet Me In St Louis Armstrong
Amy Winehouse Rules
The Amazing Spider-Manfred Mann
Bedknobs & Broomstyx
Pretty In Pink Floyd
The Taking Of Pelham One Two Fun Boy Three
War Of The Guns N Roses
I’m Alright, Jack Johnson
Crowded House Of Wax
The Byrds

I Know What You Did Last Joe Strummer
Shallow Max Bygraves
Shakespeare In Love And Rockets?
Dark Side Of The Moonraker?
Dr Hoosiers
The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Kid Joe
The Empire Strikes Back In Black
Ice Cold In Alex Turner
Star Trek The Wrath Of Kanye West
ZZ Top Gun

Contributions from Marvsmooth, Frenchcricket, Motorcitymusicman, Atitlan, Sailingmagpie Joe Strange and many more

Categories
Humour Ruining Songs With Science Songwriting

Ruining Songs With Science #3 – Like I Can (Sam Smith)

He could be a lawyer on a witness stand
But he’ll never love you like I can, can

But if he’s a lawyer he wouldn’t be on the witness stand. He’d be in front of it questioning the witness. Unless he WAS a witness. In which case his profession as a lawyer would be “Not pertinent, or germane, to the matter at hand or to any issue before the court”.

If you’re self-seeking an honest man
Then stop deceiving, Lord, please

If you are seeking an honest man, then it would make sense to stop deceiving. Unless it’s your intention to find a man you can easily deceive. But if you are self-seeking in your motives but nevertheless quite an honest man generally (particularly about your self-seeking tendencies) then you probably don’t need to stop deceiving.

Unless you’re not an honest man after all … well are you? Lord, please!

More Songs Ruined With Science

Categories
FAWM Humour Lists

Funnest FAWM Feedback

FAWM is a perfect storm of witty articulate people who are totally burnt out, with makes for some great left field stream of conciousness comments when people are giving you feedback on your songwriting. Taken out of context they’re even better.

All these are genuine feedback comments on my songs from FAWM 15, from the last which I saw on someone else’s wall.

You have a great voice for romantic songs, and enough wit so that it is not sickening

Brother, you had me at GK Chesterton

This reminds me of Roddy in Flushed Away except it lacks a slug chorus

16-year-old you should be commended for his utter brazenness at some of the rhymes he chose. Current-day you should be commended for delivering them in a non-awkward fashion

I laughed all the way to the toilet!

My earballs quite enjoyed this

My first thought was, “If this were shorter it could be an e.e. cummings poem

Is it bad that I find this kind of funny? It’s the plaintive and varied repetition of “Oh God” that gets me. Maybe this transcends sorrow. Or maybe I’m just a horrible person

It’s almost painful, in a good way

LOL, you really do sound like you have nothing left! Question: did you almost laugh at 1:01 or was that just the life ebbing out of your body?

A work of blokeish romantic art!

I loved what you did with the last line. 
It’s like the ending to the Sixth Sense. Sort of

Makes me think of an artist who should be better known, Peter Himmelman. His album “Skin” spooked me so bad I gave it away, not because I disliked it, but because I liked it too much

Now that’s entertainment!

Oh….. yes melting into meltiness.. cheese on toast….. Fab fab fab

Like Larry Norman covering Roy Orbison

Something about the violent performance of an otherwise cheery tune was quite striking

It’s like George with the Maharishi of Narcissistic Meditation

A little wise-ass confrontation coming from the right place is always welcome

Murdered anyone lately?

There not really much else I can say, but I’m on my 2nd listen, and…. Pork! Individually wrapped Pepperoni’s!

“I got corned beef” – classic. The sausage monologue is cool

OMG, the “I’ll make you a sandwhich” verse. Matt, bless you

Must be the impending trombones and flutes and ethnic percussion. Also, you eat weird food

I think you may have earwormed me

Listening to this I see Sesame Streets puppets dancing to this before my inner eye

I enjoyed your voices and accents immensely. It did make me think of an alternate reality in which the lower South Island was settled by Damon Albarn

The question/answer bit reminds me of the “butter pie” part of McCartney’s Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey

BONUS COMMENT

Dude you know how like in school you would bust your ass to make a sh***y bicarb volcano, and then you bring it to class and some other kid has built a working nuclear reactor or some s**t? Listening to your music is a lot like that

You can hear the songs that inspired these comment here

Categories
FAWM Humour Lists

FAWM 2015: Best Liner Notes

Here’s a few of the funniest liner notes from my fellow FAWMers – just for fun!

Influences

  • I’ve had a few but then again too few to mention
  • Black coffee, affordable beer, Elliott Smith
  • The sweet harmony of the energy that flows through all living beings. Also, “Now That’s What I Call Music! Volume 37.”
  • Too many fawmers to mention, punctuation, my dad, and you, you eye-contact-avoidant son-of-a-gun
  • Leonard Hopskotch, Denzil Fromage, Dr Horsehammer and Frankie Glockensphere
  • Amateur musicians on YouTube. They pick up their guitar, look you in the eye, play their heart out for you, then casually lean forward and turn off the camera. They do all that for you? They don’t even know you! They rock!!

Biographical Notes

  • I use my guitar as an aerial and summon the evil spirits with it
  • Former xylophonist with Tex Ovary And The Animators who set Paris alight in the late 90s (and received appropriate jail time for doing so)
  • 1959 first cry, 1973 first kiss, 1978 first gig, 1990 first acting, 1992 first magic, 1993 first tour, 2000 first album, 2009 last marriage, 2010 first FAWM, 2011 last divorce, 2012 first novel, 2013 last man standing, 2014 last year (so far)
  • Alllooo! My name is @Errol! I’m lactose intolerant. I have a webcomic too
  • I am a happy person honest, but put a guitar in my hands and it seems to open up a musical portal to misery

Call To Arms

  • Fire up the tea machine
  • It’s 2015. Let’s pretend we know what we’re doing

Song Notes (aka “Parade of Caveats”)

  • Apologies for the ridiculous title; it happened and I couldn’t make it unhappen
  • I have a crush on A7
  • Urgh. I am SO done with being serious. You have been warned
  • My thought pattern went something like Devil’s Highway > Dante’s Inferno > 7 deadly sins > ….cheesecake
  • You never held it at the right angle
See Also – 

Best Titles In FAWM 2015

Categories
Humour Ruining Songs With Science Songwriting

Ruining Songs With Science #2 – Jailbreak (Thin Lizzy)

Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak
Somewhere in the town
Tonight there’s gonna be trouble
So don’t you be around

Call me crazy, but I’ve got this hunch that it might just be AT THE JAIL! And the only people who will be around are prisoners (who have no choice but to stay there) and prison guards, who might want to stick around to like, you know, PREVENT THE JAILBREAK!

Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak
In the obvious location
Tonight there’s gonna be trouble
So don’t you be around (unless that’s your occupation)

There – fixed it!

Ruining Taylor Swift Songs With Science

Categories
Arranging Great Guitarists Humour

Nile Rodgers Primer

One of the all time funk guitar greats, master arranger, stellar songwriter. Here’s a brief intro to Nile Rodgers

And some other links

Guardian beginner guide and a Spotify one

Categories
Humour

Radiohead – Loud Or Quiet? – Make Your Mind Up!

Two funny Radiohead videos (Radiohead fans speak out/Do Cute Kids Like Radiohead?) and one serious one

Lastly an interesting vid about the Ondes Martenot a weird old instrument that Jonny Greenwood plays on How to Disappear Completely